Wait until light turns green

Apparently the Labour Party have floated (Patrick's Day pun anybody?) the idea of citizenship ceremonies, and that old chestnut, the citizenship test. Ridiculous, of course. What form would such a ceremony take? Fifteen hundred Polish lads crammed into Coppers, all ready to throw their shackles of East European oppression into the air like mortar boards upon announcement that, hurrah, they're actually Irish now! (Does this mean they can play on our cricket team?). And as for our citizenship test? Well how quickly can yee drink a bottle of Buckfast lads? Sample questions, no doubt, would include: Is it a) acceptable, or b) unacceptable for teenage girls to pop 'round their local shops in their pyjamas? And if Ireland were to qualify past the group stages of any sporting event, how is it most appropriate to celebrate: a) silly green hat, b) get roaring drunk, c) climb the nearest set of traffic lights or d) all of the above? Come to think of it, most of these "new Irish" are, like the Normans, more Irish than us Irish ourselves...